A Girl Like Me is Impossible to Find :)

fragments of my heart shapes up my life

i'm burned out,tired,stressed,scared and sad..nvm the umimaginative vocab..i'm drained..its been 2 consecutive days i came home onli to be the 'disciplinarian' to my niece n nephew after my mother complained to mi abt their misbehaviour..i dun even bother being angry anymore..dun even bother asking y the heck i'm the one disciplining them in the 1st place while their mum is MIA for 2 entire weeks..my brother's gd as in he's been around For the kids these days wheneva he can UNLIKE his WIFE or Ex-wife wateva..wheneva it comes to the kids,he's good wif them, i hope he takes that after Mum and if i ever get to be a Mum, i'll take after both of them..only the parenting roles dat is..

Fragments of my heart shapes up my life;
Me point of view of Me; If i die or disappear from your life one day, it won't really matter much actually to my friends n maybe jasper..tats how i feel wheneva i burn out like now..bt if it really happens, i hope you'll live on cos time doesnt stop with or without mi...

2nd me point of view of me: Like the guy in 'Cheaper by the Dozen2' i wanted to be so much of everything/everyone that i'm scared of losing Anything or Anyone..this is one of my main fears in life..

3rd me point of view of me: i've always been envious of families that travels together be it for holidays or do stuff like haf picnics by the beach..as in father, mother, children and maybe pets..cos it has never happened to me and it'll probably never will wif my family's situation like dat..and i dun blame them. tis is my life,my family.its all i haf, torn and tattered and holey as it may be...thats y i appreciate my uncle's family trying to bring my mum and me, maybe my niece n nephew around every sat in his lorry if Dad is at home to take care of my sister..this is my 2nd fear;tat i'll overlook what i haf in life as my 'fixed assets' such as families, to achieve for something that is out of my reach...

me point of view of dad: he works so much and we cant see the profits that much..bt he tries so hard and i cant blame him for not being ard most of the time..bt will he get enough time to be wif us-mum,sis and mi..i dun think he even notice i rebonded my hair..bt then agn, i wish he'd cared enough abt his health which to mum and mi, is pretty bad...like him, i dun care much for myself either and dats the saddest pt of view a person can haf for oneself i noe..This is my 3rd fear;that i may not haf enough time and happi memories wif everyone

me point of view of jasper: he loves mi so much bt i didnt realise how much till he answered dat he can't live without mi..i was askin him the same qn;if i'm gone suddenly,how? n i had thought him practical enough to live on..he's a rough guy wif his attitude due to his pretty rough upbringing*his dad a senior officer in the army lah,like wth* which i Know turns people off and i cant apologise for who he is..bt his heart/soul is beautiful if they really get to know him..so If friends shut the doors to my face jus b'cos of him, heartbroken as i may be, bt there's no excuses to ever really shut a door to a friendship..This is the least of my fears

me point of view of friends and people: friends come, friends stay, friends never disappear no matter how invisible or busy in one's life they may seem..there's no door,there's no ending..at its worst, it probably just comes to a standstill and fades away..like memories..onli to return at some moment later in life..

i used to fear...
that ppl'll see thru my tears
and discover the sadness that lies within..

i used to think
that tears means signs of weaknesses
and when shed, it does not provide a solution..

i used to feel
that life is meaningless
with so many separations

till i see the memories that lies in between..
in which for all this time,its been safekeeping my happiness
which i've been finding all this while..

posted by Siti Nuraishah @ 12:21 AM