Oh no...
ZzaAP. Emotions! That familiar pang, that familiar pain, that familiar stirring of "hey, I don't care who's wrong, I apologize, because I care, and wants us to be well again." N that tension of waiting, that your apology will hopefully be accepted, and you will be accepted once more in their hearts.
N roses will bloom once more.
Who said that one feels pain in order to feel one is alive? Zzap! Oh no!
No.
It's getting serious.
For I pray that when my heart strays, it will not leave my mind behind, nor god.
N I pray, even if it hurts, it will not hurt my family and loved ones more than it does me.
GET ME OUT OF HERE!
Zzap.
Terrified.
It's 230am and I'm terrified. After gathering some of his loan contracts which are beyond ridiculous (think 130% p.a) it seemed to me there is no safe harbor in sight. Despite ways and means to stay afloat, trying to not let all this affects my life, I am weak, I succumb to fear at times, like now. It's been a long, dreary nightmare which stretches and I feel stuck in a whirlwind black hole.
I wish there's someone to hold on to, to tell me it's ok and that my anxiety is in overdrive. Or at least kick my ass out of my own warped fears. Reality is harsh, and mum's stuck in her own pain. As much as I try to be there for her, I'm not strong enough.
I'm scared, for my mum, him, for all of us stuck in this storm. It's been 2 years odd, and the nightmare is just beginning.
I pray for our safety, and sanity.
A heart arising...
(Post on 10 July 11)
Ever since the car ride and our last meet, I can't help thinking of him constantly. That day, I felt beautiful... I felt hope-the way he looked at me at some points of our conversation, those moments, I never want to forget. Maybe I'm just imagining but I felt beautiful being who I am, with him. That's what matters.
I feel safer with him each time we're together, and more importantly, that day, I felt I could achieve, and want to achieve big being in his presence, cos of who he is, so positive. Importantly, it's rare I meet someone more positive than me. It's beautiful.I supposed it's cute that because my case kept delaying, it gives us more time with each other. Strangely, it allows us to settle into some comfortable routine of sorts like some old couples. Maybe, I'm falling for him, and I'm braving the risks of falling.
Still, I hate it my heart is running away further than my mind allows. No matter what, what's important to me, that all these is with Allah's blessings, and guidance. and brings me, us, closer to Him.
Let's not think so much, I love where we are now, our friendship as it blossoms, step by step. Wherever we end, thank you for the memories, and the beauty I feel who I am, when I'm with you.
Last point: A guy who succeeds in making a girl feels beautiful; he is one good guy. Subhanallah.
Nice view.
I figured out why I love the way I love. Another conversation, some time on.
Place: 313 Somerset
Time: Lunch
Topics: Life, love, religion, dalai lama, mother teresa, confucius, stock markets...etc
Her: "We're having this argument again and we'll never be able to reach a compromise.Haha!"
Him: "Yea."
Her:"To me, having a relationship means you, both of you become a better person through it out. Trust me, without your previous relationship, you would not have reach this perspective today."
Him:"Well, why must you be in a relationship to be a better person?"
Her:"Because life is about relationships, well at least to me."
Him:"Well, I don't like the way I am when I am in one. It makes me have an obligation to be fairer to her because she is my girlfriend. That is not fair. For example, last time my ex felt that I paid more attention to this one friend than her....For example, if she is here now and Siti is sick like now, I would pay more attention to Siti's needs. I would get her food. Then my gf, she used to, would likely complain that I did not get her food. That is not fair, because I am looking at the needs. If I have a gf, she would not understand that I am looking at Siti's needs and feels that I am being unfair to her."
(He went on for awhile, hand gestures involved. At some stage, I felt he was trying to tell me something. Well, I caught it.)
Her:"That's not fair to us girls. There will be girls who understand. She needs to know you from the start. Now, you are comparing her to the girls, towards your future relationships. Still, you would not reach this perspective if not for her. Now, you know you want something better."
Him:"Yes. Not to be in one. I don't like the person I have to become. And since I have no intention to be committed, it is better like this."
Her:"To me, you're looking at the end, which should not be the point. It is the journey that counts. For all you know, the girl leaves first, not you."
...
& that. It sets me thinking. It is the reason why I love the way I love. Because after all, I may be the one who ends up leaving first.
Hope
Tonight, I am blessed to have been shown a role-model of whom i yearn to call 'dad'. He is my uncle. Despite never will I call him 'dad', I am blessed that Allah SWT has granted me my wish, even if it is only for awhile.
What did he do? Every little whisper of what my heart has always yearned. A father who guides, who shows, who cares, not just for me, for my mother too.
The evening was one of surprise. After my real dad left for work, I was all huddled up for an evening nap, pillow and all, in an attempt to clear away my concussion and persistent headaches (yep, they're still lingering after a week).
My uncle came, with his family. & with supplications of tajwid documents that his mother-in-law gave him. & he showed me the depth of it, of which i had learnt only the basics from my religious class.
and he showed me the doa my mother and I should learn, for the good of ourselves.
and he made me navigated, or rather, hooked onto the media of the doas and all that. and i wasn't pretending. because deep in my heart, i know this is a rare opportunity to learn of akhirat knowledge, maybe not from someone i called dad, but someone close to me anyway, a relative, my uncle.
so for the rest of the evening, i embraced the opportunity to learn to fly.
even more, he made me cook hahaha. something that my father don't even dare to do, much less go near a hot oven.
I should not be socially comparing, but this is human nature. Judgments and beliefs, we do them all day long. As much as we deny.
All I can say, 'thank you'. Because he, my uncle, gave me hope and showed me by being himself, that even though my father may not be as ideal as I want, it doesn't mean that I am deprived any less.
I just have to open my heart more. with faith.
Anyway, without my father, I would not be around in the 1st place.
It is one fact undeniable. & I should be grateful, instead of wanting more.
Everything, everyone, every moment and every challenge - it is a blessing, a ramp for us to embrace and ascent higher, insya allah, nearer to Allah's love.
We just have to look harder within our hearts. & count our blessings with what we already have, rather than what we desire.
B'cos, Allah SWT, he does hear our prayers, our little prayers, cries and desires, even if they're locked deep within our hearts.
Subhanallah.
Mortality
Today, my mortality was in question. I actually thought of what happens if tomorrow never comes. Because I whacked my head when I slipped and fell earlier on this morning when rushing to the loo.
& I wonder; If I were to die tomorrow, life will still pretty much goes on, just that it is without me. Did I owe God anything? Yes, my morning prayer and 2 days of fasting. and probably lots more empty promises that drifted and I never bothered keeping in check .
Have I live life enough, my purpose fulfilled? Hell no!
Will I be missed? Probably.
Will it affect my students much? (Thoughts of the staff and students in 1 minute silence stumped me, hmm..)
But all these thoughts were dashed, simply because I got out of the taxi, stood aside my dear mum, and continued living.
But if I don't wake up and embrace tomorrow, do keep me in your prayers. Wait, scratch that - my family needs your prayers more.
Mortality; It keeps you humble.
Happy new year. May it be a blessed, happy, healthy year filled with warmth & peace
.
Caption: My virgin firework shot with makeshift tripod (the corridor veranda). I love it.
Anyway, 1st post of 2011. I'm treasuring each moment as peace, it does bring, for now.
I'm beginning to love event photography, after like 2+ years of doing them off and on. & I thank my 1st job for it, and I thank Mr Azhar A.S for his advice to go all out in covering events, be it journalism or photography. It's a valuable piece of advice that wipes all imaginary boundaries.
I'm beginning to fall in love with what I can do. That includes playing pool. So, pool anyone?
I'm looking forward to having more time to enjoy what I can do. That means spending time with loved ones (friends are super included), retouching, playing pool, and of course photography.
I never consider myself a photographer. I'm just a photo hobbyist - because I love being caught up in the moments, shooting, & I have tons of fun doing so, even at the extent of pulling my muscles (something that probably never happen with professionals, cos they're just that - pro.) I love more that I can get shots others may be too busy nua-ing elsewhere. Still, I better be careful as I am quite weak physically. Maybe I will do weddings someday (It's still too taxing 4 me). Singapore market ain't that great, full of wannabes who're in it for the money. It spoils the industry.
Caption: I love this friendship shot. I love it more that they warmed up to me enough to pose. Great ppl - another perk of the job that allows me to build bridges, even if only for awhile.
"Thinking and seeing - the confluence of it is photography." Jim Richardson
I want to spend more time being healthy. That includes sleeping, right now. It's 3am. But I'm a little perturbed on this issue called friends.
Because I feel when I give you the same respect or more, I would expect likewise - like the trust I put in you, to tell you stuff when I'm down and out. & when 1 does not do the same (which includes not telling me when he is unwell e.g fainting), it makes me sad, cos maybe he does not regard me with the same respect. Whatever it is, it is not my issue to deal with.
coz giving, you don't expect anything in return. That applies to friendship.
Happy moments, sad, minor/major bursts ups, in sickness and in health. Together. That's what makes the world a little warmer, a little more bearable.
Now, it is just time to go to sleep.
"Yesterday is the past. Tomorrow is the future. Today is the present - Let us begin." - Mother Teresa
Peace
It's the last day of 2010 and it's goodbye, good riddance. off you go. BYE!!
Situation at present: Mum sleeping in the living room (fell asleep in her favourite position - dozing off while the TV set is on), and sis is sleeping soundly besides me. She always do so when I'm besides her. I'm typing, sending files over to Gabriel, and my cats are on my feet.
Cosy. Peace of mind and heart, intertwined for now.
Insya Allah it'll be a better year. If I continue seeing things in a positive light.
"I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happen" - Mark Twain
I can do it. My friends & family are with me. 1 day at a time, despite the tears. Insya Allah.
For once, I will write down the randon resolutions that come to mine.
1. Do not put anyone on a pedestal. They're human, too.
2. Shut up when I have nothing good to say.
3. Listen, with my heart, then my ears.
4. Let go. It is the key to happiness - Buddha
5. Time. Give it more to others who need it more, including your loved ones. Pets are included.
6. Be brave. Smile harder, even if it's through the tears.
Caption: He's 90 years old and I met him twice. Never smoke or drink, healthy always. Smile always. Even have the muscles to show 4 it.
What I want for others & myself
1. Love. A beautiful treasure - something I wish I'll be a part of again. One fine day, I'll find happiness 2gether with my mum/sis, whatever it is defined for us.
2. Living. To take more breaks from hectic urban life, and indulge in activities that make you soar. Whatever you have now;it is enough.
3. Minolta 100mm F2.8 + solid tripod (for me!)
4. Personal time for oneself (see point 2) to reflect, to re-energize, to be oneself. to blossom.
Caption: Healing hands. Chases the cold away.
What will the future hold?
A Brave Facade...
Nightmares. Again. Not only is life a struggle - a mission to stay afloat with my family, it seems nightmares of the past recur in the present. Can't wait for 2010 to be over, but 2011 may not be a breeze, either.
I need to leave 2010. Quickly so. Even if I have to crawl my out of it. Still, the end is in sight. 2011 could only present new challenges. Stay afloat, my prayers go.
Family-wise, there seemed to be no solution in sight. Throw in a marriage counsellor (cancel. make that 2 - 2 counsellorS), relatives, each other's stubbornness to come to a conclusion, makes you think many times b4 settling down. Life's a bitch and waiting for death is silly.
His failed dream, misplaced intentions turned into our so far worst nightmare. Worse still, it involved 3rd party yellow minions who actually are looking for decent part-time income to ensure their own lives stay afloat. Can't help but pity them for being fools.
Gd news - finally bought the damn radio to kick the cranky old 2nd hand one out of sound. & it's cheap too, with cassette tape, cd playback and radio + alarm whee. Even the salesman was surprised at its price. & the more I look at it, the more I love it. It's a symbol of love for my family lol.
I know it's laugh-able, but I love it. My mum does too. It's my big-ticket purchase. at $119. May Mum wins a car. She's always a lucky 1. Just a few weeks ago, she won the 32gb Ipad for bro. Just wish she'll use more of her luck to love herself, more.
Still, happiness is for her to define. Just hope her happiness = our happiness, because his happiness = our nightmare. F.
& so, the nightmare. Shows I'm still terrified, oh god. Bad. V. bad. Shows how screwed my life is. On one hand, trusting men my race is already a major issue (sorry dad, I blame you. I still do. Yes, I know. I must not lump into 1 category. 2 bad, I'm silly that way), now trusting guys become an issue by itself (No, I don't blame Jas.) With so much love around me (thank you, dear friends) nightmares of the past must not ruin my present and future.
To live, to love, to dream big and catch the stars into your pocket - you must be brave. That's what I learnt from the granny copywriter.
Kids are so brave these days. Their dreams are alive. I'm so grateful to be a part of their lives somehow.
Terrified. I am. Brave, I must.
"Happiness - learn to let go" - Buddha.
The darkest hour.
They say that the darkest hour is before dawn.
I hope it's true because I don't see any light, except for Allah SWT's. This year, things got dark, real dark within my family, and I can't help enough..
- the kids ran back to their mum & are missing school regularly
- my brother hasnt been in contact with Mum since June
- my dad... sometimes i wonder if death would be a better option for him, other than bankruptcy. for him, for us. With him, there is no longer safety, much less the love for us; the family. What centralizes his world is money. May with what he desires, he reaches it enough to return to the right path, even if we are the sacrificial goats in the process.
& in the midst of it all, like an octopus, I struggle to help stay afloat so my mum and my sis don't drown. at least not with me nor them. There are many times death seems like a better option. I'm only living because of them, for Him.
It's true, in life, there will always be more good memories than bad. There are many good things to be grateful for, especially working with special-needs, especially so situated in a school where it's not only the children need help, but the family too.
There's only so much I can do. The rest - Allah takes care.
That's what keeps me holding on. because life on Earth; it's impermanent; it's a journey we embrace, to step up. Live, then die.
There is a saying -
"Die before you die.". "This year, I felt like dying so many times. I only live because I'm destined to, for a few moments longer. To complete my purpose before my time's up.
Till then, I will be ok, with His help, insyallah.
Adik
I never knew the me that I am, without my sister. Born only a year & a month apart from her, all my life, I’ve always known me as the elder sister, the ‘lucky’ one who gets to live life, see life, embrace life, with her by my side.
I have known no other me. And I don’t look forward to the day, if it ever happens, when she’s not around. I don't want to, because living life without her. is no life at all.
Just like I would not have known my mother, if she had not been a mother to my sister, the eyes, the ears, the extension of life that she is, and has been giving, to my sister.
It is something we could not imagine ourselves without. Because it would have mean a lesser us.
My sister, she defined us, gave us our roles, made us who we are. Most importantly, she defines love, and stretches our capability to love her, ourselves, and others, around us.
Life with my sister – teaches me about life, and Allah’s beauty. She was born, like everyone of us for that purpose, that life; it’s all about love. Something so simple, that we take for granted, yet stretches us in every way possible.
Selfishly, humiliatingly, I did not learn this during my growing-up years. I lived life. without her. There were times where I knew she was around, yet her existence did not matter much to me. Except that I always knew her existence was key to my mother. More so than me.
I learnt it was an empty existence. However much that she still was there, waiting for me to realize the bareness of life without her love.
I’m sorry, adik.
Caregiving her is not an easy choice. But it is something we would not have want, any other way.
To many others, caring for my sister is a lifetime burden. To us, she’s merely a gift from God, an opportunity that stretches us to our limit, to reach closer to His love; through loving, living for an individual who is a part of us.
Lately, I’ve always told my friends; ‘I need a guy with a big enough heart to love my sister and me. Because we come as 1; she is a part of me.’
To others, it may seemed like ‘hey, I’ve a disabled sister, would you dare to be with me?’ However, I do mean is, ‘hey, do you have the guts to embrace a love this big, or bigger?’
Because if he does, that simply means, he’s opening his door to a whole new level of love.
Welcome to our world.
Crumbling pillars
14 June 2010
This weekend marked another turning point where I struggled to make a choice to continue living. Literally. It was a hellish 2 days where I struggled to pull myself together for the sake of my mum and sis.again. It was so easy just to continue melting down and to fall through the self-created misery tunnel. It was that easy to just let.loose.and fly.
For once in my life, the tears didn’t stop. The masks never appeared. I was just me, vulnerable that I always was, would always be.
I could not even fake being strong. I lost the energy to. I’ve become comfortable with being me, the vulnerable me.
But I stood up once more, weary as I am, because of the family and friends that I have, surrounding me, surrounding mama. With Allah’s help.
Even though the person/s who pulled down my world is my very own dad.
So I had to stand up. I had to force the family to come together. And he pulled away. What’s new?
He broke down. All of us did. But it did not change him, not one bit. Insyallah, it did, but we did not see.yet.
All we saw was the him we knew. The pillar of support that was never there. that never did its job. The pillar that was happy, fending for himself.
How we knew? Simple, he left my sister alone. What’s new? Maybe he never really did care, or learn to love. Others besides himself.
I should know better. Still, his lack of family upbringing does not mean he could destroy the family he created.
Us.
But my mum has her band of brothers. I have mine too; my cousins, and my friends. Who never give me face to fall down, even for awhile.
So this weekend, I saw the sunshine after the rain. I saw norisha, my cousins, even my maternal relatives and my grandma, being my source (and mama’s) of strength. Despite dysfunctional, they were there, subhanallah.
So I had to stand up. For them. For me, for my mum and sis.
Even if my tears have not dried up. Even if it means taking chunks off the pillar that never was.one.
Even if it means that one day, we’ll have no other solutions but to walk away from him.
For now, I’m walking on glass. Insyallah, my family & I would not be harmed. Only Allah SWT is our protector.
Because the pillar on earth fails, simple as that. It’s human-made after all.
Holy facades 0 - knowing the real you 1...
Tonight, i coined the term, 'holy facades'. I believe that says it all. And when the facade is shredded, it's quite amusing to see they're actually crap deep inside.sad.
especially when i respect them.with sincerity.because i myself am not that religious.at all.
Like hey, get real. Each of us is human. so act like one. It's ridiculous to find out when one is actually not, despite acting high and mighty for a day or two, a week or two, before the facade is broken.
Then i see you. for real. and it's not pretty. sad.
For the record, i'm not holy in any way. i'm not a good girl, i'm not a decent girl although i try my best to keep to my prayers times; prayers are what separate us from animals, and with prayers, every 1 feels a peace of mind.somehow, no matter in what variation of the prayer ritual that they perform.
I get mad, but i don't get even. For that's not my job; it's Allah's. and i love my mum. it's not the easiest thing to do. it's my duty,cos she carried me around for 8 mths +. and raised me up. i have no excuses to make her cry, nor disappoint her in any way. i hope to dry her tears till my last breath. because it's the only thing i could do while others, like her dear S_ _ makes them.
I just try my best. that is all.
Many a time, i fall, and I fail too. Still, I'm trying too.
It would be easier if I have a pillar of support to lean against, at times. but i don't. i had to be one while waiting for the rest who should be the pillars, get their acts together.
In the quran, it stated that the path to sirotol mustaqim (the middle path towards His love) is a lonely path.
Still, i do hope that i'll be amongst those who reaches nearer to His love. together, with my family and dear friends. Insyallah, 1 fine day.
Till then, delete this holy facade and get real.
Ego and religion do not sleep in the same bed.
Still, i try not to let others colour my judgment. even if 'they' refers to my girl-friends whom i trust and should trust. It's hard, but i wanna see you for who you are, continue to respect you for whom i believe you really are, deep inside.
For these few days, you've given me the peace i hope i've come to find. like finally. now let it last, insyallah.
I'm taking a risk to know you the way I want to know you. Let's just hope what I've known of you, in my own view, is true.because others are saying otherwise. and it's not pretty.
and I don't want to know. Still, let me fall. Rewards are greater with greater risks. Insyallah.
Like the sufi saying goes; "The deep ocean holds treasure. If you want safety, stick to the shore"
so.between disappointment, fear of holding back, fear of being toyed with and other useless negative thinking, let's just say, bring it on, cos I'm game. to continue finding you, knowing you.more.and i like what i've known so far thru the twilight conversations that we had lately.
i've always love twilight conversations =).
Last word: I try my best not to judge. So, show me you deserve my respect that I've given you, right from the start.you and you. that makes two.
i may end up wif 0, but at least i would have known.you.
Knowing Jane
It’s ironic how your world is enlightened by the presence of one who will probably never be able to see sunlight ever again. On 21 January, I met Jane – a visually impaired librarian at SAVH who gave me a hand in seeing the world in a brand new perspective, her perspective. Because Jane, like any of us, is as human as can be. And accompanying her to her destination home, I learnt more than what any book about visual impairment could teach. I learnt to accommodate another human being in my life, no matter how busy my life always is.
I learnt that shooting questions off like a machine gun confuses one – anyone, visually impaired or not. In my eagerness to absorb knowledge, I tend to forget that everyone’s brain processes at individual speeds…I learnt the importance of being specific.
I learnt that a visually handicapped person uses their cane to feel along the edge of a kerb in order to walk straight…and I learnt that in life, one always needs a guide to walk the straight path. Even for those who are not visually impaired.
I learnt that a visually handicapped person lives a life no less ordinary than anyone else. They work, they catch up with friends over dinner, they go home and settle into their own comfort zones, indulging in activities that they love. I learnt that each one of us is special and has our own personal space; we just express it and live it differently.
Knowing Jane, and after going through the ‘dining in the dark’ experience at SAVH, I learnt that one needs to live with trust – trust in true friends don’t desert you, trust that wherever you are , you are safe and Allah is watching over you, and trust that whatever you have, or have not, is a blessing in disguise, if only we are able to see it and hang on to it while it settles like fairy dust on our lives…
and I learnt that in order to live, I need to trust myself. That whatever journey I am on, I am living it with Allah’s blessings. And I shall embrace the opportunities that come along, with joy and sincerity.
Hence, I learnt that in order to accept one’s disability, one needs to trust in the fact that it is not a disability, but in fact, it is a stepping stone to climb up to success; personal success for oneself and for those around them. A leg up to make one soars high above.
And I shall remember how my world embraced a new perspective all over again, all thanks to an ordinary SAVH librarian named Jane.
with hardship, there will be ease
I'm sad. I missed fina terribly. The last time that we met was a few days after hari raya. that's like months ago. For a 7-year-old, it probably seemed like a lifetime.
and it's 7months since she last lived with her siblings. It must be like the 7 stages of hell...of loneliness. For a 7-year-old, she sure is hurting so much more...for a life that is just beginning.
it sucks to be the child of a divorced family. nobody bargains or wants to be such a child. i cannot know how it feels because my parents are together though apart. together physically as in under one roof, that is.
but for a child of a divorced family, sometimes it makes you wonder if they would rather have their parents fighting and being unhappy under one roof,stuck in one marriage for the children's sake, or have their parents fly the coops to begin different lives...i doubt anyone has an answer.
back to fina. it's hell to be her from my point of view. when she was 2, she witnessed the many arguments of her parents that led to a bitter divorce. and the shuttling of her/siblings to/fro From One parent to Another, from One house to Another...letting out bloodcurdling tantrums each time she was forced from one party to the other...
there was one time...ok, maybe many times when she fainted because she missed my mum,her dad and me so much. there was a time when my mum came over her grandma's place only to find her almost half-dead. that's right. half-dead - while all the while mumbling helplessly for my mum...it was something my mum never forget, and never let me forget to imagine the horror of it all. that was when she was 3, 4? ...it pains me even now just to blog it out.
and june 2009, her elder siblings ran back home to my brother. so she's all alone now. with a picture of them stashed somewhere in her possession.
and now that her siblings are officially back at my brother's place, that meant she's officially alone to grow up with her mother. not that it's not a wrong thing for her to be with her mum, it's just loneliness. sheer loneliness.
but what doesn't kill one insyallah,will make her stronger. but to what end, and to what extent? where does she go from here?
what do i do from here? like it's not enough that it's hard enough seeing her because she'll probably refuse to go home like she always does. of course, who wants to go home to loneliness? all these years of seeing her, it's been hell just letting her go. because you must (f the custody laws). and she does not understand it. and so she cries. out loud and deep inside.
crying is probably an understatement of what goes on inside her young heart and mind.
and in my heart, it never fails to continue bleeding. for her, for a life of misery that she is too young to handle it all on her own. a pure child, stuck in a fate she never wish for, born in a family that's horribly torn apart.
pray tell, what is a life to her? what is happiness? i shudder to imagine now that she is in primary one and her teacher goes, 'tell me about your family'.
and she already missed 2 days of lessons in the 1st wk of school.
So what is life really is to her? what about learning? and what about love...when all that she knew from young is basically...nothing., non-existent, nada...
1. "Life on earth is suffering" - the first noble truth. Looking at her life, it rings true...albeit a hollow sound.)2. "The origin of suffering is attachment"that pretty much describes her life.
3. There is an end to suffering. insyallah4. There is a path out of suffering. insyallah. may the day arrives soon."Indeed, with hardship [there will be] ease" - Sura Ash-Sharh (94:6)
when friends are angels in disguise
Again i found peace. Because somehow he always managed to knock some sense into me. thanks.
Yep, i was right of being guilty; of not acknowledging jas's parents when i almost bumped into them in town today. no excuses - i defeated myself, my fear kept me stalled. it made me unable to go up and acknowledge them, when i knew full well the death of the relationship had nothing to do with them. no excuses, i was too proud to acknowledge and how they had been all along.
even though i missed the mum.
no excuses, i'm truly sorry.
it was a lesson learnt the hard way, gnawing at me through the nite.
again, allah, thru the help of my friend, taught me how my ego overcame me.
sometimes, i think being muslim is the greatest challenge of all. because it insists on breaking your ego apart as you submit to the will of allah swt (while doing all you can to live a compassionate and learned life). it gently prods you to think if your act is sincere, or is done out of ego.
today, it was ego that stopped me from acknowledging them. because i (note the word 'i') was scared. so thanks yu, again u showed me how selfish i could really be at times.
see, friends are really angels in disguise. =) subhanallah.
notes from penang...
On the way back home from penang...
1. "
Everywhere i go, i try to understand the locals' way of life - how they live, love, how they go about living life, loving life. In penang, surrounded by jess's family, i found...security. i feel fathers being proud of their children' lives (even though they are far away from home), i feel husbands protective of their family nests. malays or chineses, i saw wives working hand in hand, leaning twds their husbands, secure ("i do the housework with her as well. we work together. she won't do it alone" - jess's dad). and i realized, penang's way of life is simple - you deal with what you have, and make the most out of it. you study, you work, lucky ones like jess n her siblings get to go abroad to study/work. for those who stay, they stay for good. they live life; they get married, have a few kids, and the cycle starts over again. i knew because i spotted jess and her bf boarding the next train of life's wagon - enquiring at a bridal fair. anyway, families remain close knitted - weekend may be spent on family trips to nearby tourist spots, or at each other's places. in singapore, we do that too,but we know family time's a luxury, one which may even be treated lightly at times as one goes about chasing their dreams and happiness. in penang, it's a way of life -one key reason that makes life meaningful."add. notes from my mum - that's because they rarely get to see each other. in singapore, we see each other till at times, we do take each other for granted. but again at val's place, i managed to gt rare glimpses of their close-knitted family. maybe,it's just my family that's dysfunctional....
2. this note goes out to my friend...
"hey, i finally understand. i understood that god has different plans for all of us and i finally understood that you may be right. maybe life for you has a higher purpose, something that i childishly denied by imposing my own ideals of life. Maybe you're right, you're destined to reach a higher level of life which most of us can't. although i still believe everyone has their soulmates, it does not mean we have to be with them eventually. anyway, if that is what you truly believe; that when you're tired of the corporate life, you'll begin your journey, your ascent twds enlightenment away from all of us. if that is what truly makes you happy, i give you my blessings. if you ever feel that its not working out, remember us here @ ground level - your friends,who'll always be there for you no matter what stage of life we are in, and no matter how far away. sometimes, i know i'm just a selfish soul, wanting so much for people to live life fully, with the people they love. in reality, it's cos i'm scared - of losing the people i love;family and friends, especially the beautiful friendships i have.but if this is what it takes to bring you closer towards enlightenment and me to allah, it is a step we both know we'll take, for ourselves, and for each other. we plan, god decides.life on earth becomes more meaningful by alleviating the sufferings of others. insyallah one day, we'll meet again at the middle path,the straight path twds allah's love (for me) and enlightenment (for you). persistently, i still believe enlightenment needs not be a lonely path.
"I've tot abt u wanting to be a monk. in a strange way, i understand, if that's what makes u happy. every1 haf different ways twds reaching enlightenment. agree?"
"It's not only reaching enlightenment. It's to free oneself from attachment too."
"Yep. so one day you'll be ready for it. you have my blessings if ur ever prepared 4 it one fine day. :)"
"May not be in this life cycle. When the time comes, it comes..."
"Here's an excerpt of the book i got 4 u. - Life's a series of tests. Difficulties are tests. We are in a school now. Our whole life is a school, from the time we were born till we die, we are in school." 
"happiness does not come from having much, but from being attached to little" - venerable cheng yen
intimate conversations of life...
On the way to Singapore quarry, a guy and a girl shared intimate conversations about tibetan buddhism, islam, life and its impermanence...and the love for god.
...
"Siti, let me share with you the first noble truth...you know what it is?"
"Yea. but i couldn't remember. i know there are 4. can you remind me?"
"Impermanence..."
"Oh yea. everything in life is impermanent. everything is nothing, and nothing is everything"
"that's right. everything in life is temporary, except in religions like islam where only god and His love is permanent. so it's like a cycle"
...
"That's why i think marriage is unnecessary. It's temporary."
"Huh? It's temporary but it is part of a human's life. It's like a door that gets you nearer to God's love. Just like in tibetan buddhism, there are stages to get you nearer to enlightenment. getting married, falling in love, that's one of the stages."
"In buddhism, there is no god. there is only nirvana"
"oh yea? That's why some people thinks that buddhism is not a religion. It is a school of thought, a way of life"
...
"In islam, we believe that marriage is like building a mosque, a place of worship...do you know why?"
"because it is a place to... (i forgot what he said, but it wasn't the answer i was lookin for)"
"Nop. it's because a place of worship is like a place for you to pray, to reach closer to enlightenment, and god's love. so building a marriage is like building a place of worship. it draws you closer to allah's love, or enlightenment. In islam, there's also a saying that getting married is completing half of your faith, half of your journey towards allah's love"
...
upon coming across fallen trees...
"hey look, the trees are felled"
"yep...deforestation.i used to feel sad looking at these fallen trees, because they don't hurt anybody. they don't hurt us."
"what you mean?"
"in islam, we believe that everything is alive...awake like buddhists believe being a buddha is being 'awake'. So everything around us;the trees and animals, they are all alive. they are all praying for god's love and for our wellbeing. and these trees are being cut down for us Man, it's sad..."
"yea, that's life. there are reasons they are being cut down. everything goes in a cycle."
...
Taking a break @ the Singapore Quarry. The conversations continued.
"I was in heaven, there surrounded by the purple orchids just now. I'm gonna get married here...if I ever get married"
"Heaven? Ok, what happens if god wants you to be here, to stay here forever? without your loved ones...or like yesterday, if your brother dies...or your mum. would you still find this place heaven?" (the conversation gets a bit muddled here due to my increasing memory loss)
"hmm...yes. in islam, we learnt that everything and everyone is created from Him, and goes back to Him. so yes, i would still be okay."
"so you would still find this place heaven?"
"yes. it's like that show, remember ayat-ayat cinta,that indonesian movie?"
"ya"
"yep. if its destined that god wants me to be here, than out there, then yes, i would be contented. just like that show, if it was better that the guy stayed in jail which would bring him closer to god, than freedom, yes, he would stay in jail"
...
"so what happens if there is a girl who thinks you are her soulmate, and wants to get married with you. would you turn her down?"
"yes, because its unnecessary."
"but aren't you putting yourself, your needs before hers?"
"well.if she wants me to get married to her...then she is putting her needs before mine"
"OK...hmm,ok, what if your mother wants you to get married?"
"That's impossible. she wants me to be in a monastery. let's not talk about impossible things that won't happen"
"ok"
...
"hey.if buddhism is like a school of thought, then one can be muslim and buddhist at the same time, right?"
"NO!"
...lol!
(continued at P.S Macdonalds. siti is still perturbed.)
"Are you sure your mother wants you to be a monk?"
"yes"
"I don't think she's serious. I mean, it's like saying that her marriage was unnecessary, and that having you and your siblings are unnecessary. and that's not true."
... after watching the movie, 'Not without you' (taiwanese movie, directed by leon dai)
"i think it's very nice."
"i agree. it's very nice. but it makes me sick too...cos it showed the reality of a (corporate) system.
...
"the way is not religion. it is the root of which all religions grow."
life may be that - impermanent, but the memories created, insyallah, will last forever. In sufism, there is a belief that there is 124,000 saints revolving around us. Whenever I meet my friends or loved ones, I knew there is one inside each and everyone of them. They are my teachers, teaching me to live and treasure, one moment at a time. And because of that, life is beautiful, subhanallah.
:)
I remembered fondly one conversation that went...
"Siti. i just came back from my neighbour's wedding,"
"So?"
"I don't understand why people wants to get married."
"Hmm...i guessed we humans are weak. we need someone to be there for us. By getting married, we know at the end of the day, we have someone to come home to, someone to keep us safe from the harsh reality of the world"
"Oh."
"In islam, we believes everything is created in pairs. it is necessary to get married because it completes half our faith"
"I prefer siti's views"
"er yea...my views are in line with muslim's views, i hope..."lol!
I love conversations. Keeps me alive, sets me thinking.
" Among His proofs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves, in order to have tranquility and contentment with each other, and He placed in your hearts love and care towards your spouses. In this, there are sufficient proofs for people who think.
Among His proofs are the creation of the heavens and the earth, and the variations in your languages and your colors. In these, there are signs for the knowledgeable.
" The Romans (30: 21-22)
i found my piece of heaven..
I had a lovely day today. i found my piece of heaven made up full of purple orchids at singapore quarry. but what was more heavenly was the time spent together with a friend whom you knew so well...
even if my heart was still licking its wounds (again) after being dumped from a potential date, in the lamest way possible too. guessed this taught me never to put any guy on a pedestal. but the heart's never stop hoping, does it? but it's ok.
i could've choose to sink into a hole. but instead i shone thru it to have one of the best days of my life this year. even if i have to get injured in the process.
and i knew that what i experienced today, the sweet memories of friendship created between yu and me, was irreplaceable. and i knew,even if the date had occurred, it would probably not be as fun as what i experienced today.
so the sun still shone after the rain. and yes, it wasn't raining TODAY. it was a beautiful sunny day, with wisps of dark clouds that went away most of the time.
i guessed allah showed me that my friendship with yu is worth so much more than the possibility of falling for a guy who just...prefer to prioritise his friends' needs more than mine. even to the point of cancelling his "commitment" with me, even after we have 'pre-arranged' it.
it showed how much he really care huh. This showed how rainbows are truly illusions.
.As it is with me, i'm gonna continue creating photographs. because they capture everlasting memories
of love
of friendship
of life.
i'm a happy camper albeit injured.
light's out.
i just read my friend's ex-girlfriend's blog. Their relationship died too, this year as well. I wish them all the best.
I should know. I've been crying most of this year. inside,outside till the world's gone fuzzy.
There's nothing funny i could type to cheer them or myself up, cos when someone has left your world, it's like a gaping wound.
it's like a light is gone from your world. no matter how lousy the light is, it once shone your life.
i should know. he once shone mine.
i should know. his smell is gone too. almost.
funny how we humans connect/trigger memories with our senses, especially olfactory; through our sense of smell.
(for all i know, their relationship might already have been saved. god bless)
fear is overrated.
Just an update; there was no blue skies today. It was all grey clouds. Fitting since i had another nightmare; this time around, it was my friend being forced to get married. what the hell...
But it was nice to hear my brother's voice early on in the morning...dropping by to visit my mum on his free day. it was a blessing, as compared to last year where the house was mostly silent...the only sounds heard were the pieces of my mum's heart clinkering to the floor day by day as she missed him and her grandchildren so much.
these days, hopefully my mum is happier. for that is all that matters to me these days. and for the whole of today, my sister was laughing with the angels (malays believe that special-needs children are cared for by angels.)
sometimes, no, many times, i wish she could share the joke.like today.
maybe the joke's on me. how i try so hard and stumble over and over again. with a dumb smile plastered to my face. because life is too short to spend on self-pity. it is too short to cry and mourn over life's shortcomings. so that is why i do not understand why for many, the cup is half empty. or worse, broken :p. maybe it's just a call for attention, some kind of war cry that u need someone.
because everyone needs someone. i know i do.
because turning the cup over on its right side, it's just a matter of perspectives. of teaching our brain, conditioning our brain that life is right and that we are still breathing. and with each breath, we can choose to laugh, or cry.
i choose to smile; my cup's runneth over.
looking at people who are more disadvantageous than us, it's amazing if we want to say we had it bad. because we don't. not when we are comfortably on our beds, blogging away, facebooking away...or even getting drunk. heck, at least we could afford the bottle.or a can.
look at the hole in the ground, waiting to trip u up. maybe that hole is full of diamonds...it's another of my rubbish wisdom tonight. and i'm pretty proud of my rubbish, because hopefully my rubbish is worth its weight in gold to someone. maybe it'll even save someone's life.
at least,my rubbish would worth more than a broken cup full of tears, eh? which to me, would not be effective in any way.
nobody could have it worse than our prophet. at least we know what's its like to have a mother. christians would say 'what would jesus do?'...for me, i would wonder, 'how could i have it worse than prophet muhammad? i am nothing, my plights/worries are nothing compared to his'
anyway, i'm just warming up, cos i'm still finding words to put to how horrible i felt about yun/val's reactions about jasper yesterday...and then i heard a little abt val's friend's story; about how her ex-bf's gambling problem.
and it made me wonder, 'why is it so hard to find a guy who'll keep you safe?' ...in short, this is what i want, and it seemed that i am not the only one. when i thought abt my friends' ex-boyfriends...hmmz, why is something so easy so difficult to find?
i mean, according to maslow, safety is the 2nd level of the pyramid. SECOND! after basic needs. and in a modern landscape like ours, it's strange how safety is still out of reach. screw his pyramid, it's overrated too.
we are conditioned by unnecessary fears, because our lives are too safe. think sars, think h1n1, think dengue...
in short, fear is overrated. till it's amusing. till it's freaking sad, really. because our lives are so gd, our primal need to defend is still there, and therefore unrealistic fears abound in our daily lives.
like now, i'm getting cold feet over something that's actually nothing.
life's all about taking risks, and having fun. just whack la, ur next breath will still come insyallah. in the meantime, let's just continue living. it's not that hard really, and life's really beautiful, if we put aside all our fears.
dawn will still arrive. the blue skies are just bonuses. guess i didn't have mine today. oh well, another day, another tomorrow, another hope that sprung from my heart that the blue skies would be back tomorrow. :)
"Hope springs eternal in the human breast;
Man never Is, but always To be blest:
The soul, uneasy and confin'd from home,
Rests and expatiates in a life to come."
-Alexander Pope,
An Essay on Man, Epistle I, 1733
Tonight's thoughts...
I'm feeling a bit down tonight and I have no one to really want to chat to so I guessed it's back to reality for me. feeling alone that is, but i shall sleep soon so i can forget about this feeling.
Anyway, valentina said the sweetest thing tonight. She sort of blurt it out and if i didn't listen carefully, i would've missed it. She said something to this effect.
"He wasn't a good guy for her. A little bit immature. Both of us (yun and her) hopes she would find someone who'll take care of her and keep her safe." ...something like that.
And i wanted to cry! Cos it was so random because all 3 of us were interrogating Jerry on his ideal girl and the conversation switched to jasper for awhile...i could see that they didn't want to really say so much about jas...but i didn't realise how much hurtful he was to them also, because he did not treat me right.
I'm sorry dears for putting u 2 in such a difficult spot all these years. Next time, just whack my head if my guy is not the right guy for me. It'll save time. That's all i could say =) but i love you girls anyway God, i feel so blessed to have them as my dears. And i felt so horrible to put them in such a spot about jasper. I mean, he's not a horrible person, but i supposed everyone could see he was not right for me. except me.
And i feel pretty horrid that he is the way he is. because that is the way he is. the sort who keeps to himself and shows little interest of others...i cannot make any excuses for him. i can only say and stick by what i say that he has a beautiful heart deep inside.
And that was what made me love him for so long...but its all in the past now. may he ends up with a girl he loves, and who loves him back, much more than i could for him, insyallah.
*shrugs* And i learnt something today. It's that you should not waste time. If you are ready to settle down, you should open your heart and be receptive of who comes into your life. Open your heart, and open your mind. Cos life is that short, too damn short to be indecisive.
And it's interesting how yun and val differentiated guys into the following categories; boyfriend material and husband material. It's impossible to have a guy that possesses both. INTERESTING theory. Super interesting, i never realize that before.
To conclude, i'm not ready to settle down, not yet. but i do wish i can get rid of this stupid alone feeling because it sickens me. But i guessed it's inevitable when 98% of your dear friends are attached and hopefully, have found their other halves.
I'm truly happy for them but as a weak human, i have a tendency to fall down hard.
Changing topics, I was serious when i asked jerry if he conducts lessons for children with special needs. Because insyallah, with Allah's help (i'm so gonna need his help next year onwards...and every moment of my life) if things go my way, I'm gonna skyrocket the confidence of these special children and the ppl around them.
"Genuine change is possible. Any change in society must first begin in the individual mind and heart, with a transformation of that person's outlook. It must occur one person at a time." - 14th Dalai Lama
There, that cheered me up.
Tomorrow shall bring another new dawn. Am looking forward to opening my eyes to the blue skies that greet me every morning so good night and sweet dreams.
Love is...
Today I had a chat with one of my dear friends, nuraini. She has been with her boyfriend for 5 years and alhamdulillah, it looks like they are still going strong insyallah. And when she shared a funny story about her boyfriend, i could see the love shining from her face.
It was amazing.
one day, i too would be able to feel like that once again - that feeling of being on top of the world.
but for now, i'll just concentrate on loving my family and friends, especially the former who needs me more.
The Final Chapter
The Final Chapter
I just finished reading ‘P.S I Love You’ and it was beautiful. But more so, it was beautiful and it hurt. Because all the emotions captured inside, it was all true.
Days after I met Jasper, I learnt that he had childhood leukemia. At that moment I knew, I would not be giving him up so easily, not from my life and definitely not from my heart.
Because life is that precious. And so was the love that bloomed and stayed in my heart for the past five years.
And for most of the time, I held on to every moment that we spent together; every goodbye that we said to each other; because I would never knew if it would be our last goodbye.
Early this year, when the relationship was ending, and I knew he would be finally be leaving me, I held on to his hands before he boarded the bus for home. Because I knew it was the last time I would do so.
And it was.
But I was thankful because till the very end, I held on to every single moment (almost) of our love together.
Before it was all over.
And recently (maybe because I had too much free time to deal with this holidays) I fell into a hole. I would not call it depression, because it isn’t. It was just simply called ‘healing’ - a way of coping with a relationship that was dying. But I got out of it, thanks to my friend who blogged the following;
“After meeting so many difficulties and failure on the road of relationship, sometimes you really feel like giving it all up. I can totally understand why singles like to say "It's better to be single." to their friends. Sometimes, you just feel like giving up and stop searching for "HER". But, I still believe, my destiny has yet to arrive. So, I will keep on searching for her.” – Jerry That is the faith of love. And that is the key to happiness. You fight for it. You hold on to love, and you fight for your happiness. And when it is all over, you will continue living. And loving. It jolted me out of my pathetic hole.
Throughout our relationship, I was terrified that his leukemia would come back. Simply because I was terrified of the fact that he would be gone from me forever.
Imagine holding on to love every single moment. It’s exhausting. One needs to be human and it’s almost impossible.
But that’s life. You do not know who’ll leave your side forever the next day, the next moment. All you could do is to TRY to treasure the time spent together.
And I knew I tried my very best. And so I am proud that for the times we spent together, I cherished his presence for almost every moment that he was with me, physically, emotionally and further more.
But in life, sometimes it is not enough to just cherish. You have to live too, without having to fear that your loved one will die on you the next moment.
And I’m scared of that. An understatement, really. I’m terrified of losing the person I love. I’m terrified of losing the love of my life; my soulmate. It’s funny, because he has not turn up yet, I think.
Maybe that’s why I’m dreading marriage life. Because it would be wonderful, and yet the pain of losing would be beyond excruciating. And I do not know how I would face that. Insyallah, I would never face that, the pain of losing, I mean.
See, I’m screwed. I’m going nuts, getting emotional after reading the book. And losing my mind over an unjustified fear of losing someone who I have not even met.
Back to jasper.
And so I took the courage to finally walk away, keeping the faith that he will be okay. And whatever happens to him, to me, to us; we could only plan, only God executes the final action. And he will live, and so will I.
But the pain of losing him reasonated still. Because after holding on to him, to every memory, for the years we have been together, it was (and it is) freaking hard to think that I “lost” him. It hurts that I could not and would not run to him even though he is there, very much alive (thank god for that. May his life continues to be long and beautiful).
It hurts when you learn that love does not often equate possession. Love also means letting the person you love, soars high above. Even if it means without you.
Both of us, we were going around in circles, trapped in a love that well, was trapping us. No matter how much we loved each other, it was a tragedy.
And so I dedicated prayers that if he is to be my soulmate, one day he will come back to me. But I’m not holding my breath. Because simply for the fact, for now, I know he’s not. And I dedicated more prayers that if he is not meant to be mine, we would be free from each other, to lead our own lives, to chase our own happiness.
Like now, insyallah. Maybe my prayers have been answered, parts of it. No matter how hard we fall, and try not to crawl back to our comfort zones to where we had been the past years;back into each other's arms. Sometimes, it is just freaking simple to want to do that.
But in each other, it does not lay our happiness. However much we want to fool ourselves.
And like the book,
“Whatever lay ahead, she knew she would open her heart and follow where it lead her.
In the meantime, she would just live”
I would just live.
One day at a time.
One shaky breath at a time.
And because i still believe; when life means love, and loving means living.
Even if i gotta start all over again.
Because dawn will still arrive despite having one person less in this world, my world.
THE END.
A humbling thought...
As i was reading the prayer that marks the end of the muslim year, the following translation struck a chord in me. In its short verse, it speaks of how Allah's mercy is so much more encompassing than his wrath. Despite the wrongdoings that we do, & continue doing in our lives, in our every single day, we are still being kept alive, to be given our next breath to go on living, and loving, and learning, to be a better person day by day, moment by moment, as we live our lives and seek ourselves nearer to His love one fine day, insyallah. It is a humbling thought that i wish to share with you, my loved ones.
As i cant find a translated version of the below phrase in english, let me try to sum it up.
As muslims reach the end of another muslim year, we reflect on the mistakes that we have done, the wrongdoings that we have done this past year, and further still, we reflect on His love and that His love is more encompassing than his wrath. For with His love, he allows us to continue living so as to repent from our mistakes. In this verse, it also speaks of how we humans are weak and for that we pray that Allah continues to shower His mercy on us, and to continue believing in us with his Love, and to continue guiding us towards His love till our last breath.
I think it's beautiful and i believe it applies to all.
Disclaimer: If the translation proved incorrect, it is all based on my poor lack of knowledge, and is not reflective of the true beauty that lies behind this particular verse so feel free to correct me as I too would like to learn.
Doa Akhir Tahun (Terjemaahan) - Extracted from buku surah yasin/tahlil (no refs)
Dengan nama Allah yang Maha Pemurah lagi Maha Penyayang, segala puji bagi Allah seru sekaliam alam, selawat dan salam kepada junjungan Nabi Muhammad s.a.w dan kepada keluarganya dan sahabatnya sekalian.
Ya Allah! Apa yang telah kami lakukan sepanjang tahun ini
dari apa yang Engkau larang kami daripadanya,
maka tidak sempat kami bertaubat darinya dan
Engkau tidak meredhainya dan
tidak Engkau melupainya, dan
Engkau (tetap) berlemah lembut kepada kami
walaupun Engkau berkuasa menyeksa kami,
mala Engkau memberi peluang supaya kami bertaubat setelah kami melakukan maksiat kepadamu,
maka sesungguhnya kami memohon keampunanmu,
maka ampunilah kami dan apa yang kami lakukan padanya dari apa yang Engkau redhainya dan Engkau telah menjanjikan kami ganjaran pahala ke atasnya
maka kami memohon akanmu yang Tuhan yang Mulia yang mempunyai kebesaran dan kemuliaan semoga Engkau menerima kami dan
janganlah Engkau memutuskan harapan kami dari kurniamu,
ya Tuhan yang mulia.
I wanna set me free
Insyallah, you will one day, Jer…one day you shall find your one true love whom you cherish and insyallah, she too will love you back till the end of times…
I read my friend’s blog. I liked a part of it that said many of his friends are afraid to be tied down. It struck a chord in me how fear could be such a huge ruling emotion in us that it could either set us free, or tie us down. And I knew the latter was what I had been experiencing for most of this year. When fear sets in, our brain has a ‘flight or fight’ response. It paralyses us to think in black or white that (besides the fact prejudices set in…) it paralyssd us to the extent that we are also ruining our own happiness, which is ultimately in our hands…
I know I’ve been silly, trapping myself in a dark hole over a past that is well, past. And I know that my loved ones just want me to be happy, even if they aren’t, but so many times I fall down and I couldn’t see that the light reaching out to me, is not of an incoming train, but a hand of a friend who cares…and I know I’m too stubborn to accept such helps; it could be I’m a proud girl who refused to bother happily-attached people, but happily-attached people do not make up the whole of their personas. At other times, they’re a friend; my friend.
But to get over my fears, I know I need someone to be there. Someone whom I can call a friend, someone whom I can just share my worries, knowing that he/she would not judge me…and I am grateful I have many friends that I know who would do that just for me. So as hard as it is, I hope I can push away my frequent thought/shield, ‘I do not want to trouble him/her’ and just be real.
I’m done with the masks. It’s me, Siti Nuraishah. There’s nothing wrong with being me. I’m easily vulnerable. But without all these pain and fear, I would not know how to stand up, and without feeling the loneliness, I would not know how to appreciate the love that I receive through my friends and family. ☺
Friends
I made a new blog as a tribute to my dear friends, lest i forget to show how much i appreciate them at times. this is the link: www.myfriendshipgarden.blogspot.com It's not much, but i hope it's something meaningful.
Because I feel so blessed. alhamdulillah
"Love Allah (SWT) and for the sake of His love, you love His creatures; children and fellow beings too.""When two human beings attract each other and their hearts wish for them to be friends and companions with one another, we should look for a reason for that. The reason is nothing other than similarity and resemblance. Unless there is a similarity between these two persons, they cannot attract one another and move towards friendship with each other, as saying goes, Birds of same feather flock together.
Maulana Rumi in his Mathnavi mentions fine story that illustrate this fact.
The story relates to a wise man that saw a Raven who had formed affection for a Stork. They perched together and flew together! The wise man could not understand how two birds of two different species that had no similarity either in shape or in colour with each other could be friends. He went close and discovered that both of them had only one leg."
"According to this Hadith Qudsi, Allah (SWT) says: "I was a hidden treasure; I loved to be known. Hence I created the world so that I would be known."(http://www.ezsoftech.com/stories/love.in.islam.asp)
subhanallah.
i need to shoot!
i'm being disruptive today. as usual, i took (if you can use the word 'took') in the down emotions of others and infused (if you can used the word 'infused') it in me...and i felt vulnerable. at 2am in the morning, when they haf prolly slept their worries/pain away, i'm wide awake, feeling just so scared. i guessed this is a result of a lack of prayers (and thus the reason y MenSes, like their namesake, is a bother...)
when i think of those who hurts, i feel vulnerable. when i think of those in pain, be it physical, or spiritual (or even those elderly who seems to be waiting for their time to die), i just go 'omg'...when i internalise these feelings, i feel exhausted and then, there's no end.
it boils down to a lack of faith. since i fell sick a few wks (time flew), i realised i haf a lack of faith when it comes to really forgiving others namely my bro & my dad, as much as i want to. i haf a lack of faith when it comes to letting others take care of themselves, to give them space to just grow, find their own way and stuff...is this genetic? it must be so, thanks mummy.i haf a lack of faith, when it comes to me being all that i should be, whatever i haf to juggle. hamba allah, daughter, sister, friend, studentS, tutor, retoucher, photographer & these few days, back-up designer...(<--- and then i wonder y i'm exhausted)
with all my time taken to manage the above, it sounds i haf an overflowing plate? paranoid? yup! as a result of beginning to be more organised and structured, i am straitsjacketing myself up deep inside. greedy? no, because when others need help, i just can't turn them down.
i need and i WANT...the prayer mat.
and then i think of my classmates who are parents, and i find the energy within me, somewhere, that whatever i'm juggling must be peanuts compared to their issues...and then i feel selfish all over again.
but its true. when i feel the pain, its like a whack to my guts all over again. there's no closure to others' pain, there's only internalisation and belief that insyallah, they will find their own way.
"Vulnerability is not a weakness. It is a strength of which challenges go hand-in-hand with opportunities to make you stronger. It makes you realise that with izin Allah, you'll achieve way beyond your own expectations, if you work hard, if you do so with sinceriity. By prioritising Him in our lives, our duties as His servant, & as a faithful daughter, insyallah, doors of opportunities continue to open. Vulnerability thus represents an opportunity to draw oneself closer to Allah SWT, & above all, remain grateful towards His givings to you." - Siti Nuraishah (2009)
Insyallah.
Siti Nuraishah is no white knight...
It's humbling how falling ill puts life into perspective as it brings you down to your knees. This week, I've been plagued by flu symptoms and despite my fever has gone down, so has my self-esteem.
for one, it's frightening how self-centred i've been all along. wanting so much to believe i'm strong and capable, and that i can survive independently (while depending on loved ones and friends) and takes care of my family...how i continue pushing myself despite everything...but at the end of the day, my family is there for me, and not the other way around. Like now, my cousin is riding his bike in the rain to get some stuff for my health...Like all along, my mum continues to be worried sick for me
i'm sorry i feel my life revolves around me. now i know, just like it has always been, i would not be living without them.
secondly, school, as in NIE starts. and i missed the first day of school, as much as i want to attend. but my friend, as usual, the wise guy that he is, was right. i should not go to school because it would not do to infect others around me who are well. again, it showed my selfishness. ashamed and unwell, i did not go to school.
i was on 3 days mc, but my fever went down so i tried to attend. and i was overwhelmed by the sheer technicality that goes into teaching. i was unable to grasp how it would affect the end customer, the children and how it all seems to make them, well, into 'subjects' rather than humans who are just finding their places in the world, and our roles to be there for them. in short, i was totally put off. again, i was being selfish because i was putting my own perspective First.
third, i am being selfish to myself. by taking on 2 schools at a time, both which i want to excel, and by still refusing to give up my part-time commitments, i am giving myself hell. 4 tuitions a week, and studio, not to mention photography, heck, i am Killing myself with my external commitments on top of schools. More importantly, i am being selfish because this is a god-given opportunity, and i am not utilising the most of it. because i am so selfish in wanting to handle it all!
SO This is what i hope i can do, with god's will. I am going to take it slow. I have to, or i'll be dead before my time is up.
At the end of each day, I'm going to start audit myself & how my actions during the day, has helped others around me, or how it affects them. through this self-contemplation, i hope it would serve to give me checks and balances of myself;what i can cope, what i cannot cope, and how much i can push, or cannot push myself. because ultimately, it would affect others around me. By taking this action, or non-action, I must always realise how it would affect them. Interdependence,see? This is gonna involve some major sacrifices of which I don't know what yet.
Secondly, i need to reel myself in. Cannot means cannot. something's gotta give, and some stuff gotta go. no more 14 hr essays, it's ridiculous. If i'm sick = no tuition, the kid must learn to be self-independent.
Let's give it another week for me to come struggling back to my feet. I am still so weak now.
what i do know as always; my duty as a servant of god comes first, and then as a daughter, and my other roles would just have to fall in place.
It's funny, i love advising others, but i never find the strength to apply them on myself.
insyallah, i'll survive.
Reaching out...
It's never easy to adopt someone's else problem as your own...as much as you try not to, as much as you try to blind your heart to their plight which does not concern you...but when that someone is someone you care about so much, it's hard to stand by and watch him suffers however strong and wise he is.
It's not that i'm heartless enough to want my friends to be in the position that i was in some many months ago. It's not that I think it is such a fantastic company to work in. It's so far from it. But when there are fantastic people in it whom you know you just do not want to lose touch ever (after getting to know them and get thru the trials, hassles and above all, laughter and joy with them), you know deep down, you just cannot simply walk away...
Apart from the asshole that's like a malicious tumour growing in the company (it's interesting to note it exists due to internal causes e.g ties) there is so much potential in the rest of its people that it is such a waste not to lend a helping hand. And tonight, while talking to these people who matters so much to me, who have been with me for what, 1.5 years, it just seems to dawn on me as though fate is pointing me to that direction.
No, I never consider coming back there, I've made my mark, I've triumphed and moved on so long ago...but hmm, maybe there is a change in the air, their air...I can so smell it...even if it may be a tad poisonous...but like they always say, sometimes eating poison is the only cure.
Above all, I know now this is where I want to be. to make a difference in the lives of others who try so hard just to be like any of us. it sounds noble, it sounds so idealistic, but insyallah, I will overcome all of it, hand-in-hand with these people whose lives I will soon be a part of.
It's not a job, It's a calling. And no, I'm not joining the home team or the army. not yet anyway.
Thus far...it's time to narrow focus
For the past few months, i've been good. I've been happy and I hope it'll last forever. For now, I feel its clear that I wanna prioritise my loved ones and friends around me; I wanna make good my life through others...without expecting that it'll bounce off me. For now, I'm contented without my dear-ed by my side. Suffice to say, as much as I loved him once, I know that out there somewhere, there will be a better guy fitted just for me - a soulmate whom I do not have to worry about meeting expectations, someone who's just like me, and who will love me for who I am.
For now, he remains my past and horrendous as it may sound, I pray it will remain that way. Not to say that I've closed my door on dear-ed. Not to say I've washed off my love of him and the memories we've created in the past 5 years. No, he still remained my first and only Chinese boyfriend; someone who first taught me how to love, how to commit and how to persevere in love. More importantly - he taught me what it means to have a capable guy by your side, unwavering, allowing me a glimpse of the guy best suited for me, Though its not him for now, I trust Allah has a plan for both of us, even individually. And that's it.
Despite missing him at times, I know for now, I've moved on, I am moving on and i believe both of us are meant to be with someone out there who is better fitted for us each. And I'm contented to believe I've done my best in the relationship. I wasn't a saint, and he wasn't always the sinner. We loved, and we lost. And now, I am prioritising my other, more important and more treasured commitments...
such as making my mum happy
such as being financially independent for my family and myself
such as dedicating my life for kids who need to believe in themselves, that they too can achieve in lives no matter what developmental delays they are facing
such as learning to do more for others, loving them...and in the process loving myself just a little bit more
For now, I'm not ready for relationships, I don't even dare think about it - this, and other matters, are just so trivial. To put it mildy, heck, I'm scared just thinking of being in love with someone else. Still, if love comes my way, knocks on my door again, I trust I'll be strong and smart enough to welcome and recognise it...but for now, just like it has always been, the focus is on my family, on others, on picking up the pieces of my heart and learning to love, learning to live once again with a brand new beginning.
Let's restart on life and love. I'm so semangat, but at times I do need shoulders to cry on. And even though he's not there anymore, it will be ok, insyallah.
For the past 5 years, I loved him. but for now, I'm loving life more without him. And I'm beginning to see - I'm worth so much more, and I still have a long way to go in life, in love, in everything around me. It's a bitter pill to swallow, but you gotta taste the bitterness of something in order to appreciate the sweetness of life.
"Unlike someone who begs on the street for money to survive, a dervish begs to give you his life"I'm no dervish, but I love knowing others, learning to love them and making them parts of my life, no matter how tiny or insignificant.
SO... Anyone wanna join me to volunteer at a hospice? :)
of all we've said and done
Remains the memories of days
When life was fun
But now when you are gone
I sit alone to watch the
setting of the sun
- A1's "Walking in the rain"
If God so wills...
This past week, i've been falling in love with what i will be doing the next few years. Despite the quirks of the systems, I guessed if you choose a path that is less taken, well, you gotta put up with the shortcomings and pitfalls that come your way sooner or later. Since its a pretty new scheme, i guessed there is no point in complaining of the lack of support when the foundation is still shaky.
But i love it thus far. With the intention that I want to make a difference in the lives of this special batch of kids, no matter how small and how idealistic it may sound, just being around in a place where knowledge comes together, it just makes me want to try to achieve a little bit more, and hold on for a little while longer.
And my mentor - she's good. she's committed and she's responsible thus far. And she loves the kids - and that's more than enough for the kids who need their support and love all the more...despite the fact that at the end of the day, they may just fall thru the cracks of the system...if they can graduate with the self-conviction that they can achieve if they put their mind to it, i just hope the conviction will stay with them for the rest of their lives...
insyallah (if God so wills)
Just let me be...
Everyone wants to provide for their loved ones. That usually means sacrificing one's dreams or passion, getting a stable job, or working 24/7 just to put some food for their loved ones, just to see that smile on their faces and the satisfying burp...So why is it so wrong for me that I, too, wants to do just that? And I've got it - After 2 odd years of trying what seems to not really fit me, I found what it means to have a stable job...so why is I get that feeling it will all just go so wrong AGAIN?
Whenever I retouch photos at the studio, or see daughters enjoying themselves with their fathers, I think, "Does their father eases their fears, or increases them so?" In Islam, men are supposedly the pillars of the families...but I think in this modern day and age, whats left is just their sick inflated egos chanting "I'm the man of the family" without any subsequent actions or evidences...Heck, I'm generalising, I'm narrow focusing, but just let me be, no offence.
For now, I'm just worried sick, and I shouldn't be. With a rock beneath me for the next few years, what other tumultous events would occur? Would he take back his promise and not ask me for money (HECK I KNOW IT'S SICK THAT I AM HESITANT TO GIVE HIM MONEY AFTER HE HAS PROVIDED MY UPBRINGING THE PAST 24 YEARS-there, i said it), its not that i don't want to. Of course, I'm willing, but to what extent? What is the comfort that my mum and I would have in return? It's more than enough if we can be certain that we would have a roof over our head, with running electricity and stuff...but that's the thing; we could not be certain.
And that sucks. After all these years of him working 24/7, after being mocked by my teacher how is it that I don't see my father as much when I'm living under the same roof as him...heck, I'm wondering what for, when we hardly see the damn sowing of what he's been reaping...GOD! what else is in store for me, that I have to overcome? And at the end of it all, do I have to continue putting up with it while being at the short end of the stick, facing my mum's frequent anxiety while worrying about my sister's wellbeing...
I'm upset, but I need to be strong. I need to shoulder all of this, and god knows, what else there is. At the end of the day, I'm not asking for anything - just the security that my mum, my sister and I - we can overcome it. If God so Wills.
Tell me about compassion
Lately, i've been reading a few books and tonight, for some reason, i've managed to combine my thoughts and my life revolving around the themes. somehow, i've managed to figure out the reason why my life's pretty down in the dumps as of late...
Just last week, as it was almost the time of the month (now) my mood was on the down swing...staring face to face everyday at the problems before me didn't help me so, instead, it got me down further. stuff such as unable to combat my mum's anxiety, my dad's attitude, my sister's sickness (when she goes into fits, a part of me never fails to die with her)...so much stuff that i just can't seem to solve EITHER.
So i borrowed Shaykh Kabbani's 'sufi science of self-realization' (i so love the book) again. Somehow or rather, i kept flipping to the pages about Arrogance, Greed, ...and focusing oneself to become better wholesomely...flip, flip, flip..and yet i can't seem to find any answer...
and i thought back to his lecture on 'longing for the divine' ...of how everyone is longing for something, everyone wants to run back to a place where they're secure and they know they'll be safe (it's just like in the womb, isn't it?)...at least for the time being. yet, turning it the other way around, ALlah SWT is Always there..."he's nearer to you than your jugular vein" so goes the Quran. No matter what we do, what we think, He's always there...no matter how many continents we scour to find peace, just look inwards...
and then his words from his book came back to me, "for every test that He gives you, the saints are looking, He's looking at you" which means He's always there, so i found some comfort in that.
Next...
the Dalai Lama speaks of compassion...and emptiness, simple yet difficult concepts ..how despite everything, everything is nothing...in the sense that everything is made up of atoms and molecules, therefore what we see are just perceptions. And that, Everything goes back to the Essence, back to the Creator which is Allah SWT where Everything BELONGS to HIM. and then, there's interdependence... (if there is no us, if there is no 'slave of God', will there be a God? i believed, pretty much so, cos He gives, without expecting anything much in return. example, your next breath)
and then there's compassion...a simple concept yet one that is embraced hesitantly at times. how sometimes so easily, we rather continue playing our games than replying our friends' messages, how we sometimes turn away from beggars on the streets (because we know they're begging, sacrificing their egos for money, instead of finding jobs yada yada yada)...how we sometimes close our hearts because he or she cannot compromise to what You want, cannot meet what You expect (which leads me to humans are getting too far ahead of themselves;they have expectations, they desire Perfection;marvelous...the Creator don't - he Gives and Gives and continue Giving, that's amazing. and that's why, He's Perfection)
and then there's lack of compassion - in the sense we ALWAYS want to seek God's grace, but sometimes to the point, we want to go first to reach heaven's gates, you can come After me (you see soo many of this everywhere, in places of worships and everywhere)...or what dalai lama refers to as 'selfish buddhas'. How did we get to this stage?
"Yet we must think about it." - D.H Lawrence
And thats when the lightbulb lighted, "because we lack compassion" ...Why are there more pre-marital sex, marital problems, financial difficulties, SUFFERINGS...the first one is because we don't think how our parents would feel, the second one is we don't really think how our spouses would feel...and the third one, we don't really think deep how our family would feel...hence all the sufferings ensue...why is bhutan the happiest place in the world? 'because their religion is being kind to one another'. and often, all we think about is ourselves - just like how instead of bathing my sister, i bathed...and went out to give tuition, leaving my mum to do the chore instead...when i could've wake up early instead of spending a few mins more accompanying her on my bed as usual...
Maybe if we had waited a little longer to say goodbye or a few nice words in between, smile a little warmer, pushes aside our worries to listen more of others', dig in a few change for that old beggar (isntead of caring about whether he/she is capable to work or not), it may not change the world, but at least we try - and knowing we try, that'll insyallah, make us feel better.
and thats where my thoughts conclude to 'auditing ourselves' In the book of 'sufi science of self-realization', shaykh kabbani speaks of auditing ourselves of which we write down our mistakes that we've done for the day, and try not to repeat them. how "one hour of meditation is better than 70 years of worship" so said Prophet Muhammad SAW (btw, his compassion is insurpassable - "there is no one like him who is born, and there will be no one like him who will come.")..Combining shaykh kabbani's advice and the dalai lama's concept of compassion, it basically boils down auditing ourselves to be a better person Towards others.
So, audit our mistakes = showing more compassion towards others = gives you a peace of mind because at the end of the day, you try eliminating your flaws for the sake of others, of being kind towards others...And at the end of the day, you move nearer towards your Creator, feels a little bit safer and kinder, because simply, you would've found peace with yourself, and hence gain a wider, peaceful and compassionate perspective for others. It's Simple, but often overlooked. Ok, I'm sleepy already, but at least i've wrote it all down....
"Hidup ni banyak masalah' (life has so much problems) but if we think about it, its really insignificant, isn't it. if we boil it down problems = nothing. this life is impermanent, pretty much insignificant,...and the dalai lama loves to laugh...
*smiles*
