A Girl Like Me is Impossible to Find :)

Crumbling pillars

14 June 2010

This weekend marked another turning point where I struggled to make a choice to continue living. Literally. It was a hellish 2 days where I struggled to pull myself together for the sake of my mum and sis.again. It was so easy just to continue melting down and to fall through the self-created misery tunnel. It was that easy to just let.loose.and fly.

For once in my life, the tears didn’t stop. The masks never appeared. I was just me, vulnerable that I always was, would always be.

I could not even fake being strong. I lost the energy to. I’ve become comfortable with being me, the vulnerable me.

But I stood up once more, weary as I am, because of the family and friends that I have, surrounding me, surrounding mama. With Allah’s help.

Even though the person/s who pulled down my world is my very own dad.

So I had to stand up. I had to force the family to come together. And he pulled away. What’s new?

He broke down. All of us did. But it did not change him, not one bit. Insyallah, it did, but we did not see.yet.

All we saw was the him we knew. The pillar of support that was never there. that never did its job. The pillar that was happy, fending for himself.

How we knew? Simple, he left my sister alone. What’s new? Maybe he never really did care, or learn to love. Others besides himself.

I should know better. Still, his lack of family upbringing does not mean he could destroy the family he created.

Us.

But my mum has her band of brothers. I have mine too; my cousins, and my friends. Who never give me face to fall down, even for awhile.

So this weekend, I saw the sunshine after the rain. I saw norisha, my cousins, even my maternal relatives and my grandma, being my source (and mama’s) of strength. Despite dysfunctional, they were there, subhanallah.

So I had to stand up. For them. For me, for my mum and sis.

Even if my tears have not dried up. Even if it means taking chunks off the pillar that never was.one.

Even if it means that one day, we’ll have no other solutions but to walk away from him.

For now, I’m walking on glass. Insyallah, my family & I would not be harmed. Only Allah SWT is our protector.

Because the pillar on earth fails, simple as that. It’s human-made after all.

posted by Siti Nuraishah @ 1:04 AM