A Girl Like Me is Impossible to Find :)

with hardship, there will be ease

I'm sad. I missed fina terribly. The last time that we met was a few days after hari raya. that's like months ago. For a 7-year-old, it probably seemed like a lifetime.

and it's 7months since she last lived with her siblings. It must be like the 7 stages of hell...of loneliness. For a 7-year-old, she sure is hurting so much more...for a life that is just beginning.

it sucks to be the child of a divorced family. nobody bargains or wants to be such a child. i cannot know how it feels because my parents are together though apart. together physically as in under one roof, that is.

but for a child of a divorced family, sometimes it makes you wonder if they would rather have their parents fighting and being unhappy under one roof,stuck in one marriage for the children's sake, or have their parents fly the coops to begin different lives...i doubt anyone has an answer.

back to fina. it's hell to be her from my point of view. when she was 2, she witnessed the many arguments of her parents that led to a bitter divorce. and the shuttling of her/siblings to/fro From One parent to Another, from One house to Another...letting out bloodcurdling tantrums each time she was forced from one party to the other...

there was one time...ok, maybe many times when she fainted because she missed my mum,her dad and me so much. there was a time when my mum came over her grandma's place only to find her almost half-dead. that's right. half-dead - while all the while mumbling helplessly for my mum...it was something my mum never forget, and never let me forget to imagine the horror of it all. that was when she was 3, 4? ...it pains me even now just to blog it out.

and june 2009, her elder siblings ran back home to my brother. so she's all alone now. with a picture of them stashed somewhere in her possession.

and now that her siblings are officially back at my brother's place, that meant she's officially alone to grow up with her mother. not that it's not a wrong thing for her to be with her mum, it's just loneliness. sheer loneliness.

but what doesn't kill one insyallah,will make her stronger. but to what end, and to what extent? where does she go from here?

what do i do from here? like it's not enough that it's hard enough seeing her because she'll probably refuse to go home like she always does. of course, who wants to go home to loneliness? all these years of seeing her, it's been hell just letting her go. because you must (f the custody laws). and she does not understand it. and so she cries. out loud and deep inside.

crying is probably an understatement of what goes on inside her young heart and mind.

and in my heart, it never fails to continue bleeding. for her, for a life of misery that she is too young to handle it all on her own. a pure child, stuck in a fate she never wish for, born in a family that's horribly torn apart.

pray tell, what is a life to her? what is happiness? i shudder to imagine now that she is in primary one and her teacher goes, 'tell me about your family'.

and she already missed 2 days of lessons in the 1st wk of school.

So what is life really is to her? what about learning? and what about love...when all that she knew from young is basically...nothing., non-existent, nada...

1. "Life on earth is suffering" - the first noble truth. Looking at her life, it rings true...albeit a hollow sound.)
2. "The origin of suffering is attachment"

that pretty much describes her life.

3. There is an end to suffering. insyallah
4. There is a path out of suffering. insyallah. may the day arrives soon.

"Indeed, with hardship [there will be] ease" - Sura Ash-Sharh (94:6)

posted by Siti Nuraishah @ 6:41 PM