A Girl Like Me is Impossible to Find :)

i need to shoot!

i'm being disruptive today. as usual, i took (if you can use the word 'took') in the down emotions of others and infused (if you can used the word 'infused') it in me...and i felt vulnerable. at 2am in the morning, when they haf prolly slept their worries/pain away, i'm wide awake, feeling just so scared. i guessed this is a result of a lack of prayers (and thus the reason y MenSes, like their namesake, is a bother...)

when i think of those who hurts, i feel vulnerable. when i think of those in pain, be it physical, or spiritual (or even those elderly who seems to be waiting for their time to die), i just go 'omg'...when i internalise these feelings, i feel exhausted and then, there's no end.

it boils down to a lack of faith. since i fell sick a few wks (time flew), i realised i haf a lack of faith when it comes to really forgiving others namely my bro & my dad, as much as i want to. i haf a lack of faith when it comes to letting others take care of themselves, to give them space to just grow, find their own way and stuff...is this genetic? it must be so, thanks mummy.i haf a lack of faith, when it comes to me being all that i should be, whatever i haf to juggle. hamba allah, daughter, sister, friend, studentS, tutor, retoucher, photographer & these few days, back-up designer...(<--- and then i wonder y i'm exhausted)

with all my time taken to manage the above, it sounds i haf an overflowing plate? paranoid? yup! as a result of beginning to be more organised and structured, i am straitsjacketing myself up deep inside. greedy? no, because when others need help, i just can't turn them down.

i need and i WANT...the prayer mat.

and then i think of my classmates who are parents, and i find the energy within me, somewhere, that whatever i'm juggling must be peanuts compared to their issues...and then i feel selfish all over again.

but its true. when i feel the pain, its like a whack to my guts all over again. there's no closure to others' pain, there's only internalisation and belief that insyallah, they will find their own way.

"Vulnerability is not a weakness. It is a strength of which challenges go hand-in-hand with opportunities to make you stronger. It makes you realise that with izin Allah, you'll achieve way beyond your own expectations, if you work hard, if you do so with sinceriity. By prioritising Him in our lives, our duties as His servant, & as a faithful daughter, insyallah, doors of opportunities continue to open. Vulnerability thus represents an opportunity to draw oneself closer to Allah SWT, & above all, remain grateful towards His givings to you." - Siti Nuraishah (2009)

Insyallah.

posted by Siti Nuraishah @ 2:08 AM