A Girl Like Me is Impossible to Find :)

Thus far...it's time to narrow focus

For the past few months, i've been good. I've been happy and I hope it'll last forever. For now, I feel its clear that I wanna prioritise my loved ones and friends around me; I wanna make good my life through others...without expecting that it'll bounce off me. For now, I'm contented without my dear-ed by my side. Suffice to say, as much as I loved him once, I know that out there somewhere, there will be a better guy fitted just for me - a soulmate whom I do not have to worry about meeting expectations, someone who's just like me, and who will love me for who I am.

For now, he remains my past and horrendous as it may sound, I pray it will remain that way. Not to say that I've closed my door on dear-ed. Not to say I've washed off my love of him and the memories we've created in the past 5 years. No, he still remained my first and only Chinese boyfriend; someone who first taught me how to love, how to commit and how to persevere in love. More importantly - he taught me what it means to have a capable guy by your side, unwavering, allowing me a glimpse of the guy best suited for me, Though its not him for now, I trust Allah has a plan for both of us, even individually. And that's it.

Despite missing him at times, I know for now, I've moved on, I am moving on and i believe both of us are meant to be with someone out there who is better fitted for us each. And I'm contented to believe I've done my best in the relationship. I wasn't a saint, and he wasn't always the sinner. We loved, and we lost. And now, I am prioritising my other, more important and more treasured commitments...

such as making my mum happy
such as being financially independent for my family and myself
such as dedicating my life for kids who need to believe in themselves, that they too can achieve in lives no matter what developmental delays they are facing
such as learning to do more for others, loving them...and in the process loving myself just a little bit more

For now, I'm not ready for relationships, I don't even dare think about it - this, and other matters, are just so trivial. To put it mildy, heck, I'm scared just thinking of being in love with someone else. Still, if love comes my way, knocks on my door again, I trust I'll be strong and smart enough to welcome and recognise it...but for now, just like it has always been, the focus is on my family, on others, on picking up the pieces of my heart and learning to love, learning to live once again with a brand new beginning.

Let's restart on life and love. I'm so semangat, but at times I do need shoulders to cry on. And even though he's not there anymore, it will be ok, insyallah.

For the past 5 years, I loved him. but for now, I'm loving life more without him. And I'm beginning to see - I'm worth so much more, and I still have a long way to go in life, in love, in everything around me. It's a bitter pill to swallow, but you gotta taste the bitterness of something in order to appreciate the sweetness of life.

"Unlike someone who begs on the street for money to survive, a dervish begs to give you his life"

I'm no dervish, but I love knowing others, learning to love them and making them parts of my life, no matter how tiny or insignificant.

SO... Anyone wanna join me to volunteer at a hospice? :)

of all we've said and done
Remains the memories of days
When life was fun
But now when you are gone
I sit alone to watch the
setting of the sun
- A1's "Walking in the rain"

posted by Siti Nuraishah @ 1:43 AM