A Girl Like Me is Impossible to Find :)

Just let me be...

Everyone wants to provide for their loved ones. That usually means sacrificing one's dreams or passion, getting a stable job, or working 24/7 just to put some food for their loved ones, just to see that smile on their faces and the satisfying burp...So why is it so wrong for me that I, too, wants to do just that? And I've got it - After 2 odd years of trying what seems to not really fit me, I found what it means to have a stable job...so why is I get that feeling it will all just go so wrong AGAIN?

Whenever I retouch photos at the studio, or see daughters enjoying themselves with their fathers, I think, "Does their father eases their fears, or increases them so?" In Islam, men are supposedly the pillars of the families...but I think in this modern day and age, whats left is just their sick inflated egos chanting "I'm the man of the family" without any subsequent actions or evidences...Heck, I'm generalising, I'm narrow focusing, but just let me be, no offence.

For now, I'm just worried sick, and I shouldn't be. With a rock beneath me for the next few years, what other tumultous events would occur? Would he take back his promise and not ask me for money (HECK I KNOW IT'S SICK THAT I AM HESITANT TO GIVE HIM MONEY AFTER HE HAS PROVIDED MY UPBRINGING THE PAST 24 YEARS-there, i said it), its not that i don't want to. Of course, I'm willing, but to what extent? What is the comfort that my mum and I would have in return? It's more than enough if we can be certain that we would have a roof over our head, with running electricity and stuff...but that's the thing; we could not be certain.

And that sucks. After all these years of him working 24/7, after being mocked by my teacher how is it that I don't see my father as much when I'm living under the same roof as him...heck, I'm wondering what for, when we hardly see the damn sowing of what he's been reaping...GOD! what else is in store for me, that I have to overcome? And at the end of it all, do I have to continue putting up with it while being at the short end of the stick, facing my mum's frequent anxiety while worrying about my sister's wellbeing...

I'm upset, but I need to be strong. I need to shoulder all of this, and god knows, what else there is. At the end of the day, I'm not asking for anything - just the security that my mum, my sister and I - we can overcome it. If God so Wills.

posted by Siti Nuraishah @ 11:16 PM