talkin in my mind...ignore mi if u pls..
sometimes i'm scared..like i dunno wats real anymore..like i dunno wats right anymore..define 'right'..its like certainly not left right,and not as simple as right n left right?..like i dunno what i have to do that is 'right' or accepted..like being myself is sometimes not enough..sometimes i wonder what if i trip and fall..will i just collapse n die,n leave others hanging like so many others had done to me?..
throughout these few years,i know i've become more bitter..n to an extent selfish..very selfish sometimes?i dunno..sweet is definitely not me anymore..has rejection n life's battles taught mi that somehow?then again,wat is selfish when ur just trying to be like everyone else..tat is to stay afloat?or as they say..human desire to survive..has been saying to what i think the truth or my opinions releases the inner me..or maybe like i said..i'm just tryin to survive..pure human selfishness huhh..
like sometimes i dunno if wat i'm doin is right..or whether my life is right in the first place..sometimes i feel like i dont belong anymore..i guessed i'm out of my spectrum n safety shell dat i had made for myself all these years..i guessed it all came crashing down when i had to crawl and u-turn back from the straight path to uni from jc,to poly and then uni once more..many ppl haf told me to my face my 2 years of jc were a waste of time like dat...i know beyond that they're saying that its a waste of my parents time/money on me...i've stopped tryin to argue la..i'm juz concentratin on doing my best for now,and hopefully plants back my parents' hopes dat i sorta cracked last year when i didnt get to uni..for someone who had gone the straight path all her life,it was nerve-wracking n lonely to go thru a different path alone..cos like a jc friend of mine said,'i'm not you so i cannot pretend to try to understand what you are going through because i'm not going thru the same thing ah'..understooded gerl.accepted too..
sometimes i'm scared i'm cracking..but i'm scared worse that i'm trampling on others feelings..if i crack,so be it la..crack whack open liaoz like egg like dat..its not new to me that sometimes my decisions hurt others whether obvious or not..i just do it becos those times feel 'right' and i cant b bother to explain y..sometimes i tink n redefine whether my feelings of 'right' were actually wrong..i dont tok to my malay best friend much anymore either..maybe its b'cos she's lost in her workin life somewhere and sometimes i'm pissed about it,but i jus accepted it..sometimes i wanna argue like those days without monkey,where is she besides tokin on the fon for few days..y is she out working..y must she work..y must she gets caught up in this harsh reality where if u dont work,u dont haf money n u cant haf happiness etc..anyway,its not her,itz jus me..ppl Hafta work mahh..besides,she's tryin hard to be a friend again n i accept it la..trying to deal with all the happenins in my life alone is not so fun especially on my own...trying to be strong for my family yet battling my inner daemons and to forget myself at the same time..nobody says life is easy right:)..thats y i guessed sometimes i could be selfish..even though i dont want to be who i had become now ar..i'm sorry to those i may haf hurt before knowingly or unbeknown to me..
thats y i haf others to tahan me..like the slackers..or val,or yun..or norisha or even dawnie n her happiness tat she found in aikido..or my family,and living in past memories abt monkey..i find comfort n healin just being around these few ppl in my life seriously n i hoep they dont mind =)
like i dont tok to others wat i feel deep inside cos i dont want to,and i dont feel like being sympathised or wateva..i dont tok to others abt feelings cos feelings weaken or strengthen decisions dependin how u see it..maybe tats y women in Islam cannot become lawyers..they follow their hearts too much..n justice gets undone..i'm not one to talk abt feelins,my feelings..though i hear others often enuf n i wlcm it..dats y sometimes i come up with crap like this n post it in my blog for nobody to read n not open a new blog n stuff all tis in cos i've enuf of hiding from ppl..and myself..
so maybe i hate myself sometimes dats y..cos life spins out and being the straight arrow in a straight path life,i feel kinda whacked and out of it..i dont wanna justify my undoings or wrongdoings..i dont wanna justify why i push ppl away..why i'm violent sometimes..why i hurt ppl sometimes..i dont wanna hear the fact that i'm strong because deep inside i really am not lor..finally,i dont wanna justify who i am to anyone else..know me,or dunno me..accept me,dont accept me your freakin choice..shit happens and life goes on..
posted by Siti Nuraishah @ 12:20 AM
3 Comments:
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