A Girl Like Me is Impossible to Find :)

pep talk for myself

i know i'm not a gd gf. i cannot commit to something in advance for my dear be it coz of work, family commitments. yea, i know its selfish of me bt i left my doors so wide open for u to step away n nvr look back.

i can spend the entire day, afternoon n evening wif u bt when it comes to staying at ur cousin's chalet, i cant make that promise at all coz my family comes first - and that dpds if my father is wkg the night shift that nitez. i cant jolly well leave my mum n sis all on their own. its bad enuf i leave them durin the day to earn my keep and keep my dad half-satisfied (he still don't think i'm in a stable job though i haf officially worked 1.5 yrs including internship..)

i noe its a hard pill to swallow and i am grateful ur still swallowing such bitter truth that u come well 2nd after my family.

bt i guessed u jz dare not..leave me,that is. coz u noe i still nid u. no matter hw bravely i denied it.

having said that, its a horrible feeling to be a 'small fry' amidst suave, seasoned journalists and i despise that feeling. it's jz my lack of confidence flashed up upfront in frnt of everyone. once they took out their recorders, oozing with the professional confidence that they haf, i jz weakened n fade away.

i'm nt aggressive enough. and i know this right from the start. i mean i love interviewing residents, celebrities...everyone except the bigg bigg shots whose words are jz like diamond water.

until i rmbered - hey, whatever it is, i'm juz a seorang hamba Allah yg lemah, yg ingin mencapai kejayaan di dunia dn juga akhirat - i mean if there's hope that u can live on forever w/o all these worldly burdens, why not perservere right..yakin - insyallah, with allah's blessings.

and there, i found my confidence insyallah..i may be a small fry amid established media 'hot'shots but at the end of the day, it does not matter at all.. coz at the end of the day, i'm still

someone who loves what i'm doing;
someone who is after all, just a humble servant of god and what allah thinks matters
what he blesses for me matters and nt the thoughts of the other human beings OR rather, my lack of confidence.

underneath it all - what i do is for my own good and that means not scuffling my toe n hiding behind my own's shadow n the rest's shadows and well jz shuffling ard like idiot whu cant seem to open her mouth to ask questions to the ppl in the spotlight.

its nt that i nvr do b4. there are a few that i did brave my nerves n opened my mouth...its more that sometimes i let my lack of confidence won me over - making me shuffle listlessly like a drifting banshee

like they say - jz whack la.

posted by Siti Nuraishah @ 12:59 AM