A Girl Like Me is Impossible to Find :)

Death

Amelia's dad passed away at midnite today..it was so shocking,i'm v.very damn sad ..even though i never meet her dad b4,it still came as a huge shock..*upset*

i hate death..but i look forward to it..my own maybe coz i wanna see my Creator...i hate death b'coz it takes people away from people..it takes my loved ones or those i know away from me foreva...i hate foreva too,because forever never comes any nearer or sooner..

i get upset when i hear abt deaths..any death..be it btw me n my family,or if it happens to others ard me..i hate the feelins dat come wif encountering a death,or saying goodbye..i hate the fact that i cannot see them anymore,or its like i'm being cheated from spending more time with them..even tho death is part n parcel of life and god..ok,maybe i dun hate deaths,but i hate separations..eternal,lifelong,heart wrenching Separations..it sucks.dats y i dun really haf high hopes for a 'happi ever after' or 'happi endings'..coz it usually means separations eventually

and i hate deaths because it makes me feel all alone..like when someone died and leave you,its left only you to battle with your own bloody feelings and tough and rationalise out why That person haf to die,and not you instead..i tot abt this Alot..esp when its like quite alot of ppl haf left me alive n kickin,and they haf stopped kicking and living their lives...a few days after i took my o'levels in 2001,my grandpa died..and i was pretty angry like y it has to be him and not me..same goes when my best friend died when i was like 6 or 5 yrs old..like i dont and will never understand why is it them and not me..and why leave me all alone to battle it out till my turn comes..i told jasper once 'i need to haf faith in God coz i need to believe that when ppl die,they dont just die and rot,but they're waiting out there for me to join them someday..and that they die for a good reason and not just leave me on my own'..

sigh..i know deaths shud in a way be a hapi occasion because you're returnin to God and all that stuff..yea,that person dyin is returnin to God,what about that person who's watching that person return to God..just like i always wonder,those sick patients haf all these self-pity feelins abt themselves and how it sucks all that,and i know it does..and sometimes they cant help but be envious of those healthy..wat about those who are Carin for them by their bedsides..these people feel worse because they cannot do anything..i believed its a more horrible feelings b'coz i've been by bedsides umpteen times and i've beat the crap out of myself time and again because i feel useless that i cannot do anythin to stop their pains..i know,coz i'm still beatin myself up because i cannot seem to do much for my sister and let her live a happier,much normal life..especially when my mum feels defeated and it basically defeats me too..

simply put,i hate death and i'm still feelin bloody upset after receiving the sms this afternoon..dats y when i was presentin my narrative topic,i was doin it in a depressive manner..sigh..such a waste..

don't think about it,don't think about it,don't think about it siti..i'm sorry this is a depressive entry..*upset*..shall go to bed early to sleep away tis terrible feeling..

i'm sorry amelia,i wish i can do more for you *hugs*be strong.i'll be meetin wif the rest to visit u 2morrow..till then,be strong.

posted by Siti Nuraishah @ 8:55 PM