A Girl Like Me is Impossible to Find :)

The bedside syndrome

Most people think, sympathise with the ones lying on the hospital bed. Florists in hospitals flourished with 'get well soon' cards and bouquets of flowers for the sick. However to me, the one whu hurts more is not the one recuperating, but rather the one by their sides; the caregiver.

Being the middle child is never easy. It would've been easier if the elder sibling has the decency of mind to lead and take care of the family without us family asking for much. If not, it falls to the next in line, the middle child. And the list goes on. When they fail, the spotlight is on the next. Being the middle child where i cannot do the same b'cos my sister is disabled, it gets tiring wearing both caps that are lacking (intentionally or not) on both of them.

Like today, i was freaking dead tired after 5.5 days work so i fell asleep while my parents went grocery shopping. at 730pm it's time for my sister to take her medication bt my mum dont want or trust me to do it. I understand her POV. She preferred my grandma's maid staying on the opposite side to. BT she didnt bring my house keys and my grandma has to kick up a huge UNnecessary fuss to my mum abt it.BT the maid went home to take the keys to my hse accordingly in the midst of it all (and i was still in laalaa land)..i know it was my fault that i fell dead asleep bt i dont see whats the huge fuss all abt really. Stressed my mum out, stressed me out. Until i accidentally stepped on my specs in the midst of my panic (upon waking up finally) and broke them.

i mean, i didnt mean to fall dead asleep nor do i mean to let the maid be stranded outside my house...why must my grandmother kicked up a huge fuss and be pissed abt it, calling my mum, making her stressed out even more N of course spread her anger around to whoeva she can cum into contact wif (eg my uncle's family whu visited her tonight). My mum asked mi why i can still sleep whne the maid is in the hse? honestly ma,i don't know. i don't feel well at all.

N tonight,while performin my prayer, i heard the door bell and the voice of a kid. i thought it was my youngest niece. my heart jumped with joy cos it has been 2 months plus since i've seen her. bt it was not to be. and i know it'll nvr be cos my brother is too proud to bring his children to my hse.

Dear god, if you give us challenges because you believe that we are strong enough to handle it, when does enough means enough? i'm tired of holding on, believing on, chugging along struggling to find the silver lining of happiness in my cloudy life...

i'm not doing enough as a servant of god.
i'm not doing enough as a daughter,
much less a grandaughter.
I'm just a B-average student in a society where even A's are not enough. it must be Distinctions.
i'm never pretty, sexy, thin or open minded enuf to meet guys' expectations
i have grown fat and tryin to cut down my intake of food causes my gastric to come back.

I need time out from Me. Life does not suck, i do.

posted by Siti Nuraishah @ 12:27 AM